Letter Number One

|July 9, 2012|

Hi.

Well, I didn't think this would feel weird at all, but it feels weird. Hi, God. It's Tiffany. I know it has been a while. I have been sitting on couches all day, drinking beverages and watching nonsense television while you are above me, watching me turn my brain into rice pudding -- my lovely brain that you created with your own hands. What do I have to say for myself? I can't fall to the ground, face first in the dirt, and start blurting out apologies while clutching at clumps of grass just to make sure you forgive me. I can't beg for forgiveness; I can't make myself be pathetic in front of you and most people make this mistake.

I haven't come across a lot of people in their prayers, but I know from experience that I have made plenty of mistakes with my prayers. Every prayer is different. Of course I understand that. In every culture there is a different way to pray. You can sit on a wool mat on the dusty ground while in child's pose for well over an hour, your forehead against the grimy wool, your knees aching under the quite lumpy floor. Yet, they sit there, balled-up, because they are praying. They choose to surrender their bones and bodies to you because you are the almighty one -- not their bodies.

As I lie in bed at night, I have the urge to pray, but then I am submerged under lead and blankets warmed by fresh body heat. When I am still conscious enough to feel my touch on my thighs, I think about praying because it makes me feel comfortable after a few minutes of pouring my heart into your ear canals. However, the deeper I get into thought about what I want to pray about and the sensation of my legs under my palms, I start to drift into a deep sleep -- like a form of meditation -- and I forget to pray that night. I guess you have to be uncomfortable to pray or else you will fall asleep doing it.

I guess this is my way of saying, "Sorry for being such a disgrace because I can't even spend two minutes thanking you and talking to you before I go to bed." This feeling is almost the same as if I told my future-fat-self, "Sorry for making you so fat. I should have bought less Hershey bars every time I went to the store." So yes, I do feel guilty and I just didn't want to flat out tell you, "Oh, hey, I feel really guilty about all of this. Forgive me?" I'm already pathetic enough, sheesh. I know that you know that I am not a pathetic person: I am just learning from my mistakes and, OH, the mistakes I have made and made and made again. Being a follower is tough. Putting your whole self out there without clear protection is even harder. I know these shoes are pretty big to fill, but they will get broken in eventually.

>>Tiffany

/\/\/\/\/|DEAR GOD, LIFE IS A DISTRACTION, BUT I WANT TO BE A PART OF IT ALL AND THAT INCLUDES BEING A PART OF YOU. I ALWAYS ASK FOR GUIDANCE AND YOU DO GIVE IT TO ME. I WANT THIS PATH AHEAD OF ME TO BE RIGHT IN MY PLAIN SIGHT. I DON'T WANT MY FEET TO TRAVEL THE WRONG WAY. THANK YOU FOR TAKING ME THIS FAR BECAUSE I HAVE LEARNED SO MUCH AND I FEEL THAT I COULD GO EVEN FARTHER WITH A LITTLE MOTIVATION IN FAITH. I'M STRONG, BUT I WANT TO BE STRONGER. I'LL TAKE YOUR HAND AS LONG AS I CAN ALWAYS SEE IT. THANK YOU FOR CREATING MY LIFE. AND THANK YOU FOR CREATING TEMPTATION AND SIN BECAUSE PEOPLE WOULD NOT MAKE MISTAKES WITHOUT IT -- THEY WOULDN'T COME TO YOU. I ACCEPT THAT I HAVE DONE WRONG. I GUESS MY PUNISHMENT WOULD BE DWELLING IN THAT WRONG AND FACING THE RESULTS MYSELF. I LEARN FROM YOU EVERYDAY. AMEN |\/\/\/\/\